As mom to 5 glorious daughters I can say that I never knew
love before they arrived. Even at the
very surprising age of 16, when I discovered I would be getting shotgun married
within 6 weeks, and I delivered my firstborn while still in high school, there
was such joy mingled with pain. And two very long and impatient years passed by
before my next darling drew her breathe; I discovered early on that sometimes
it is the thing you most long for that is kept at bay & for a divine purpose not known to you. Then babies
3 & 4 came amidst trying to run a family orchard, pie baking by the
thousands, crust crimping & flour-faced even in my dreams, how did the
years run away so quickly? Those older
siblings left home, dug roots at college and there I stood with such an
‘empty-nest heartache’ that I can’t
begin to put that loss into words.
A mile long road of mistakes, changes, & two college degrees later I
finally found myself alone. My mama
said, “you need to get a hobby” while I pined for the every-other-week visits
of my girls who were having dad time. I
recall vividly saying to her, “I could be a mom forever. It’s what I’m good at.
” (Be careful what you wish for, comes to
mind.)
Fast forward, sitting at the breakfast table, 2 daughters
present and my future husband, (yet we didn’t know that was what life had in
store) getting lectured by my 4th
wise child, informing me about methods of birth control and how many life spermatozoa
are in a tsp. of well, you know. 9 months later, at age 41, their baby sister,
my girlchild #5 entered the world as the midnight hour chimed. Her birth was a blessing as all of my
daughters were present for the labor as well as my mother, who’d birthed 7 kids
herself but never once saw a delivery
from beneath the cloud of ether. A proud, nervous Dad stood by also, sturdy at
the head of the bed, amazed at my fortitude and ability to withstand pain
without screaming like a banshee. Mom
and the girls were trapped at the business end of the bed as the doctor refused
to let them move once he’d arrived. They still speak today of that being the
best form ever of birth control, though some 16 years later, they too have
gotten past the horror & added 7 gorgeous grandchildren to our lives.
Jasmynn, all 8 ½ lbs. of glorious squalling red-wrinkled
baby brought an elation to my world which I had been missing. There is nothing wrong with a mom being
smitten by her newborn. It’s expected. It’s normal. So for 3 years I walked lightly. Danced is
more like it with Jasmynn while my other daughters moved forward with making
their own ways in life. Yes, something
was definitely “off” but who could notice between the xx’s and oo’s she brought
to each day. Things were not going according to the milestone schedules I opted
to ignore at each well-childcare visit to the pediatrician, but no mention of
anything awry other than “she has too many mama’s at her beck and call.” She
crawled late, walked even later.
Language didn’t come or it was shrieking, garbled attempts to make
noise. She was clearly different, but I was not ready to see it just yet. So
when that mind-blowing diagnosis came it was like something died inside. Don’t get me wrong; I still loved her, but
the pure joy of every breath came with a price and a weight I found myself
buried beneath.
Getting an autism diagnosis is absolutely not the end of the
world. “Things can always be worse.”
It’s not like she had a life-threatening disease. There were kids dying every
day. But try telling the mama who sets the sun and moon by her child’s
smile that piece of advice. It’s just
better not to say anything at all and let each of us process the information at
our pace, in our way. For if I’ve learned anything in all of this, it takes
time to sift through the emotions, the loss, and letting go of the “what might
have beens” we have for our children.
But only a fellow mama or daddy on this autism journey can understand
that.
Melissa, it only makes sense that you have a blog. You're an excellent writer. I'll look forward to future postings.
ReplyDeleteMary Thompson☘
thx, mary. hope to keep the world in stitches rather than tears.
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ReplyDeleteit was photographed by a wonderful local talent and friend for an older newpaper article. lad strayer. love that she and i were enjoying the teeter-totter in the front room where everything is "JASMYNN'S WORLD"
DeleteWhat a beautiful first entry. This made my day. I will be checking in often!
ReplyDeletethx, Michelle. that means a lot coming from a fellow mama on the journey. hope all is well in cali.
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